I like this. I have two brothers who rarely take part in the family connections. Do you think men aren't very well trained to do this? Just curious. BTW, I use my driving time to connect with people. Whenever I'm in the car, I call someone (bluetooth!) or use Siri to send a a few texts. Pandemic has caused all of us to get out of the habit of seeing people in person.... but on the plus side I feel NO compunction to hug everyone I see when I see them!
From my experience (especially since COVID which has made things worse) straight men are less communicative… to their detriment! They often end up relying on their wives to be their main emotional support and may not even have any friend life outside of their marriage. But men are still human… and need this. So from a patriarchal standpoint I believe men need to let go of the view that the default — in this case, women are the caregivers — and start caring for themselves more. Through honest and thoughtful connections with other men and women.
Women tend to be the caretakers of the social calendar in my life -- at least on the family level. I don't know if it's cultural or biological, but I expect both. Based on the anthropology shows I've watched, it seems as if women have always been the social glue.
I think the great point that Igor is making here is that it's possible to break those cultural norms -- to the better for everyone involved. You might really like being more involved with making connections. Or at the very least you might better appreciate the massive toll it takes on women to do so.
Hey Igor, my friend Punit recommended this article, so here I am :) This is a very well written, thought provoking piece, and captures the essence of the world we are living in. I had read some time ago, that this is the fastest that we as humans have disbanded ever since we know humanity to exist - and the rate of disbanding is alarming, especially for a species which is social and which thrives on being part of "tribe(s)". This has of course created the loneliness pandemic too - research suggests that the lonelier one is, the more likely that their social connections become a distant blur, and this becomes a vicious cycle. In essence, lonelier people over time lose the ability to reach out and start new social interactions, and I think, it must then be the less lonely who need to come to the rescue :)
Hi Rinzen! Thanks for reaching out. I do hope some connections will get rebuilt. On the other hand, just imagine compared to tribes of the past ... we are now able to communicate here, two complete strangers! :)
I"m not so sure it's lack of caring. I think we need to prioritize people in our lives -- children and partners come first, then other family, then...? You also have work, work affliations, household chores, emergencies, and so on, and there is only so much time in the day.
I agree more with the "pick up where we left off" idea -- many friends you can just continue the same conversation you had weeks or months ago.
Everyone's in the same boat. Everyone gets it. We don't have the time for all the social interactions that we'd like.
Thanks Graham. Yes, to certain extent life just happens and that is what I also meant. You are right, picking off where you left off is easy with the right people.
And time... always a challenge. But we also always find it for things that matter at the time.
I don't know how to explain how much I relate to this. This is one of those pieces of writing that I collect in a special bookmark folder that I periodically visit to feel inspired and gain perspective. Thank you for this wonderful piece of writing, Igor!
I like this. I have two brothers who rarely take part in the family connections. Do you think men aren't very well trained to do this? Just curious. BTW, I use my driving time to connect with people. Whenever I'm in the car, I call someone (bluetooth!) or use Siri to send a a few texts. Pandemic has caused all of us to get out of the habit of seeing people in person.... but on the plus side I feel NO compunction to hug everyone I see when I see them!
Thanks Elizabeth! I am almost sure men talk less on the phones. I am not sure why and have 0 data to support it, just a feel.
Hard to say if we are in general worse in it, probably women have stronger family bonds?
From my experience (especially since COVID which has made things worse) straight men are less communicative… to their detriment! They often end up relying on their wives to be their main emotional support and may not even have any friend life outside of their marriage. But men are still human… and need this. So from a patriarchal standpoint I believe men need to let go of the view that the default — in this case, women are the caregivers — and start caring for themselves more. Through honest and thoughtful connections with other men and women.
Women tend to be the caretakers of the social calendar in my life -- at least on the family level. I don't know if it's cultural or biological, but I expect both. Based on the anthropology shows I've watched, it seems as if women have always been the social glue.
~Graham
I think the great point that Igor is making here is that it's possible to break those cultural norms -- to the better for everyone involved. You might really like being more involved with making connections. Or at the very least you might better appreciate the massive toll it takes on women to do so.
Hey Igor, my friend Punit recommended this article, so here I am :) This is a very well written, thought provoking piece, and captures the essence of the world we are living in. I had read some time ago, that this is the fastest that we as humans have disbanded ever since we know humanity to exist - and the rate of disbanding is alarming, especially for a species which is social and which thrives on being part of "tribe(s)". This has of course created the loneliness pandemic too - research suggests that the lonelier one is, the more likely that their social connections become a distant blur, and this becomes a vicious cycle. In essence, lonelier people over time lose the ability to reach out and start new social interactions, and I think, it must then be the less lonely who need to come to the rescue :)
Hi Rinzen! Thanks for reaching out. I do hope some connections will get rebuilt. On the other hand, just imagine compared to tribes of the past ... we are now able to communicate here, two complete strangers! :)
That's a very nice thought, hadn't realised that in the moment :)
Thanks Rinzen!
Great insights, Igor!
I"m not so sure it's lack of caring. I think we need to prioritize people in our lives -- children and partners come first, then other family, then...? You also have work, work affliations, household chores, emergencies, and so on, and there is only so much time in the day.
I agree more with the "pick up where we left off" idea -- many friends you can just continue the same conversation you had weeks or months ago.
Everyone's in the same boat. Everyone gets it. We don't have the time for all the social interactions that we'd like.
~Graham
PS - thanks for the shoutout!
Thanks Graham. Yes, to certain extent life just happens and that is what I also meant. You are right, picking off where you left off is easy with the right people.
And time... always a challenge. But we also always find it for things that matter at the time.
I don't know how to explain how much I relate to this. This is one of those pieces of writing that I collect in a special bookmark folder that I periodically visit to feel inspired and gain perspective. Thank you for this wonderful piece of writing, Igor!
So good! And thank you for sharing my newsletter <3
Great food for thoughts Igor! I am from the school that if a relationship doesn’t make me feel energized then it needs to go!
So you just drift away slowly or how does it look like?
Slowly drifting it is 😁